Deep State, Thugs and Trojans
Karl Lauterbach is emerging as a master strategist of Berlin's political system. His most brilliant move to date was only discovered by chance: Who would have thought he would take the deep state so seriously that he would continue to play table tennis deep in the basement of the Ministry of Health?
by Alexander Kira
by Alexander Kira
"I still have a suitcase in Berlin," once sang Hildegard Knef, who, for some inexplicable reason, had a love-hate relationship with the bourgeoisie of the Bonn Republic. What sounds like a harmless pop song is actually the blueprint for maintaining political power after the end of one's term in office. Karl Lauterbach took the song almost literally, except in his case, it reads: "I still have a ping-pong table in the Ministry of Health."
It doesn't get more brilliant than that. You just randomly let it slip during the coffee break that you have only one wish deep in your ministerial heart: to indulge in the calming, moderately strenuous, yet highly effective cardio-technical ping-pong again. If you do this often enough, you can be sure that the corresponding accessory will end up on the gift list sooner rather than later. What worked at the court of Versailles also works in Berlin.
But it wasn't until the gift was unwrapped and conveniently placed in the ministry basement (is there a hobby room there?) that the true function of the sports equipment became apparent. It was a Trojan horse. Because what happens when the ministerial term ends? Can one deny the minister access to "his" record? If former chancellors and federal presidents still have well-funded offices with staff - then surely former ministers must have a right to the record! They just want to play.
In any case, the mystery of Lauterbach's typical style of speech has now been solved: The man was out of breath, having to interrupt the most exciting matches and rush upstairs to press conferences! Many of his statements now have to be reinterpreted from the perspective of ping-pong: "I didn't see the pass!", "we'll hit back," "the ball is in someone else's court." What a serve. His penchant for flying is now also explained - or have you ever played ping-pong with a tie?
The record scandal hasn't just uncovered a true deep state deep in the basement of the Ministry of Health: Gerhard Schröder was recently spotted back at the Chancellery - he just needed to quickly visit "his" humidor; nowhere else can his favorite Cohibas stay fresher. Monika Hohlmeier is a regular at the Bavarian State Chancellery because her childhood darts board still hangs there. Joachim Gauck is practically a permanent guest in the park of Bellevue Palace. He has to feed his exceptionally long-lived koi, which was previously given to him in Kyoto. It's also an open secret that Joschka Fischer can be found constantly at the Foreign Ministry because his treadmill is still there. Apparently, long-serving employees even have him quickly sign documents when neither ministers nor state secretaries are in the building. It's just so convenient. It's rumored that he also has a say in the kitchen - and has significantly improved the taste of both the diet bowl and the schnitzel with fried potatoes.
Many of the new ministers in the Merz government have already put padlocks on their office doors. It's almost impossible to keep track of who's actually lurking in the basements and offices. Understandably, the extension to the Chancellery, at EUR777 million, will be a whopping EUR409 million more expensive than planned - more than the entire Chancellery cost at the time (EUR368 million). Storage space is needed. Chancellor Merz has long since learned from Karl Lauterbach and is now surpassing the master: He is reportedly already spreading his dream of a bowling alley - naturally a permanent fixture - for his first anniversary in office. This should ensure his house pass for decades.
In the end, a beautiful image remains, that of the true Deep State: While political madness rages above, a lone man wearing a bow tie and two rackets plays table tennis against himself on a half-raised table surrounded by BKA officers. Well, you're your own worst opponent. Unless the new Minister of Health is named Nina Warken.
June 16, 2025
Alexander Kira has provoked international human rights protection and is a lawyer, presenter, and cabaret artist. He lives and writes in the heart of Berlin.
CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW BOOK TICKETS FOR THE SHOW "HE\\\\\\'S BACK"
It doesn't get more brilliant than that. You just randomly let it slip during the coffee break that you have only one wish deep in your ministerial heart: to indulge in the calming, moderately strenuous, yet highly effective cardio-technical ping-pong again. If you do this often enough, you can be sure that the corresponding accessory will end up on the gift list sooner rather than later. What worked at the court of Versailles also works in Berlin.
But it wasn't until the gift was unwrapped and conveniently placed in the ministry basement (is there a hobby room there?) that the true function of the sports equipment became apparent. It was a Trojan horse. Because what happens when the ministerial term ends? Can one deny the minister access to "his" record? If former chancellors and federal presidents still have well-funded offices with staff - then surely former ministers must have a right to the record! They just want to play.
In any case, the mystery of Lauterbach's typical style of speech has now been solved: The man was out of breath, having to interrupt the most exciting matches and rush upstairs to press conferences! Many of his statements now have to be reinterpreted from the perspective of ping-pong: "I didn't see the pass!", "we'll hit back," "the ball is in someone else's court." What a serve. His penchant for flying is now also explained - or have you ever played ping-pong with a tie?
The record scandal hasn't just uncovered a true deep state deep in the basement of the Ministry of Health: Gerhard Schröder was recently spotted back at the Chancellery - he just needed to quickly visit "his" humidor; nowhere else can his favorite Cohibas stay fresher. Monika Hohlmeier is a regular at the Bavarian State Chancellery because her childhood darts board still hangs there. Joachim Gauck is practically a permanent guest in the park of Bellevue Palace. He has to feed his exceptionally long-lived koi, which was previously given to him in Kyoto. It's also an open secret that Joschka Fischer can be found constantly at the Foreign Ministry because his treadmill is still there. Apparently, long-serving employees even have him quickly sign documents when neither ministers nor state secretaries are in the building. It's just so convenient. It's rumored that he also has a say in the kitchen - and has significantly improved the taste of both the diet bowl and the schnitzel with fried potatoes.
Many of the new ministers in the Merz government have already put padlocks on their office doors. It's almost impossible to keep track of who's actually lurking in the basements and offices. Understandably, the extension to the Chancellery, at EUR777 million, will be a whopping EUR409 million more expensive than planned - more than the entire Chancellery cost at the time (EUR368 million). Storage space is needed. Chancellor Merz has long since learned from Karl Lauterbach and is now surpassing the master: He is reportedly already spreading his dream of a bowling alley - naturally a permanent fixture - for his first anniversary in office. This should ensure his house pass for decades.
In the end, a beautiful image remains, that of the true Deep State: While political madness rages above, a lone man wearing a bow tie and two rackets plays table tennis against himself on a half-raised table surrounded by BKA officers. Well, you're your own worst opponent. Unless the new Minister of Health is named Nina Warken.
June 16, 2025
Alexander Kira has provoked international human rights protection and is a lawyer, presenter, and cabaret artist. He lives and writes in the heart of Berlin.
CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW BOOK TICKETS FOR THE SHOW "HE\\\\\\'S BACK"
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