Walretrospective
Rarely has a whale's escape been discussed as much as Timmy's rescue. After the whale's escape battle between man and beast, it's now time for a post-mortem.
By Alexander Kira
By Alexander Kira
In the end, things come full circle. When Johann Wolfgang von Goethe wrote *Elective Affinities* in 1809, he actually had a kind of Moby Dick in mind, swimming in the Ilm River in the Weimar Palace Gardens. The working title was, fittingly, *Whale Affinities*. This was inspired by a long barbecue on Rügen--and a slight overdose of pomegranate--during which Timmy supposedly swam energetically across the bay. This isn't meant metaphorically; whales have a long lifespan--Timmy's cousin, the bowhead whale, can easily live to be 200 years old.
Considering this lifespan, Timmy's behavior becomes understandable. He hadn't gotten stuck...he'd simply had enough. The Kaiser himself had already sailed over him in the SMY Hohenzollern II. He constantly had to dodge the boat's crew, and ever since, "It's a Long Way to Tipperary" has been stuck in his sensitive ears. Then came the whole madness of war and the nuclear submarines of the Cold War. And just when he'd finally gotten used to the noise of the squash courts on the oil rigs and the wind turbines, the Nord Stream pipelines exploded all around him.
Is anyone surprised that Timmy didn't want to go on? What else could possibly happen? Perhaps the MV Hondius, already declared a "plague ship," with its ailing passengers, or even the Christina O from "Triangle of Sadness" and her multi-billionaires? But it was precisely current events that ultimately led Timmy to let himself be put in the floating swimming pool: The brave rescuers hadn't been able to persuade him to try again under any circumstances. Understandable. But when one of his rescuers dropped a cell phone into the water during the helicopter rescue, he unfortunately glanced at it with his tired eyes and saw the news. That was it for him, and all he wanted was to get away.
Because he immediately had a suspicion. What if the rescuers gave up and the Navy's PR department decided to take over the rescue operation? Timmy is every PR consultant's dream--especially for the new target group of Gen Z soldiers: The camouflage uniforms are already green, and now the Navy is following suit "on a whale rescue mission" with the Rainbow Warrior III. On billboards and trams, this would fit perfectly into the line of already established names for military equipment like "Marder" and "Leopard."
In the spirit of Germany's future geopolitical significance, the whale could then be towed to the Strait of Hormuz during the rescue. Ostensibly, because it would then have great difficulty returning--in reality, because it could immediately serve as a diplomat of choice: Who wants to go to war when a cute whale is peacefully swimming its laps in the azure shores of the Strait of Hormuz?
That would be the coup the German government needs to bring its approval ratings back into measurable territory. Helmut Kohl was always called an elephant, which, after all, got him through 16 years as Chancellor. What would What if our Chancellor were to manage to be perceived as a real choice by voters? Even the most discerning voters would no longer have any doubts about their decision; even the online voting aid would only register one outcome.
The modest satirist writing these lines is aware that this line of reasoning, despite its rigor, may seem far-fetched to some. But it rests on circumstantial evidence. As mentioned, Timmy has excellent hearing. He happened to hear the Gorch Fock's ship's choir, which gathers on deck every evening. They had initially sung the song "Little whale, swim to Heligoland. Bring a greeting to the girl I love." But the metaphor struck the crew as somewhat awkward, despite the rough seas. Therefore, a brand new shanty was quickly composed on the accordion - and that's when Timmy started to get suspicious:
"Timmy the Whale / only swims when he has to / that's why he's swimming with us now / to the road / to the road / to the Strait of Hormuz"
May 12, 2026
Alexander Kira has written provocative works on international human rights protection and is a lawyer, presenter, and cabaret artist. He lives and writesIt lies in the heart of Berlin.
CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW BOOK
Considering this lifespan, Timmy's behavior becomes understandable. He hadn't gotten stuck...he'd simply had enough. The Kaiser himself had already sailed over him in the SMY Hohenzollern II. He constantly had to dodge the boat's crew, and ever since, "It's a Long Way to Tipperary" has been stuck in his sensitive ears. Then came the whole madness of war and the nuclear submarines of the Cold War. And just when he'd finally gotten used to the noise of the squash courts on the oil rigs and the wind turbines, the Nord Stream pipelines exploded all around him.
Is anyone surprised that Timmy didn't want to go on? What else could possibly happen? Perhaps the MV Hondius, already declared a "plague ship," with its ailing passengers, or even the Christina O from "Triangle of Sadness" and her multi-billionaires? But it was precisely current events that ultimately led Timmy to let himself be put in the floating swimming pool: The brave rescuers hadn't been able to persuade him to try again under any circumstances. Understandable. But when one of his rescuers dropped a cell phone into the water during the helicopter rescue, he unfortunately glanced at it with his tired eyes and saw the news. That was it for him, and all he wanted was to get away.
Because he immediately had a suspicion. What if the rescuers gave up and the Navy's PR department decided to take over the rescue operation? Timmy is every PR consultant's dream--especially for the new target group of Gen Z soldiers: The camouflage uniforms are already green, and now the Navy is following suit "on a whale rescue mission" with the Rainbow Warrior III. On billboards and trams, this would fit perfectly into the line of already established names for military equipment like "Marder" and "Leopard."
In the spirit of Germany's future geopolitical significance, the whale could then be towed to the Strait of Hormuz during the rescue. Ostensibly, because it would then have great difficulty returning--in reality, because it could immediately serve as a diplomat of choice: Who wants to go to war when a cute whale is peacefully swimming its laps in the azure shores of the Strait of Hormuz?
That would be the coup the German government needs to bring its approval ratings back into measurable territory. Helmut Kohl was always called an elephant, which, after all, got him through 16 years as Chancellor. What would What if our Chancellor were to manage to be perceived as a real choice by voters? Even the most discerning voters would no longer have any doubts about their decision; even the online voting aid would only register one outcome.
The modest satirist writing these lines is aware that this line of reasoning, despite its rigor, may seem far-fetched to some. But it rests on circumstantial evidence. As mentioned, Timmy has excellent hearing. He happened to hear the Gorch Fock's ship's choir, which gathers on deck every evening. They had initially sung the song "Little whale, swim to Heligoland. Bring a greeting to the girl I love." But the metaphor struck the crew as somewhat awkward, despite the rough seas. Therefore, a brand new shanty was quickly composed on the accordion - and that's when Timmy started to get suspicious:
"Timmy the Whale / only swims when he has to / that's why he's swimming with us now / to the road / to the road / to the Strait of Hormuz"
May 12, 2026
Alexander Kira has written provocative works on international human rights protection and is a lawyer, presenter, and cabaret artist. He lives and writesIt lies in the heart of Berlin.
CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW BOOK
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