Hit the jackpot to the front!
Instead of "Where's the way to Australia?", after graduating from high school it's back to "Where, please, is the front line?" Strangely enough, no German citizen seems to take offense. That was the situation a month ago. But now the new law is first deemed too lenient and then outdated: understandable - only the planned military service jackpot will bring the necessary excitement to the room.
By Alexander Kira
By Alexander Kira
It would be quite naive to think we don't need the German Armed Forces. On the contrary, failing to recognize them as part of society, for many reasons, puts our state at risk.
But the price is high, very high. Because military preparedness doesn't just cost money. It can also cost German citizens their lives. Quentin Gärtner, the Secretary General of the student union, already grasped this a month ago. Apart from him, however, there was no one else around; there was just too much going on in the world (the "Los" lines come later). No media discussion, no student protests, and no clinging to anything. Apparently, the armored steel door of the district conscription office has to close behind the first year group. Then, with the sonorous hum of the electronic locking system, it becomes clear: military service isn't a sports club where I can leave whenever the hairdryer in the locker room breaks down. Well, if only I'd saved some superglue.
I also can't call my parents during field exercises to have them pick me up. "Just ask at the gate, they'll show you the way." Even though many parents are already driving SUVs as a precaution. Complaining about teachers, a matter of course at school, isn't yet routine for military superiors. Write an email to the superior officer stating that your son wasn't adequately prepared for the night march, expect a reply within 24 hours?! Otherwise, you risk a complaint to the barracks commander! Woke up too late, had to run for roll call? An immediate email to the Ministry of Defense and a letter from the family lawyer.
You can't even watch or film funny TikTok stories. From a consumer perspective, the German Armed Forces' "military training" is grossly misleading and therefore clearly anti-competitive under Section 5 Paragraph 1 of the German Act Against Unfair Competition (UWG). Because, contrary to what the advertising so vividly portrays, there's little time for social media on a night march. Too little light, too. And you might even have to help haul a log in full marching gear, which further limits your free hands. Instead, it's one jungle challenge after another and communal accommodations like on Celebrity Big Brother. But no one's voting you out.
The advertising also conveniently omits the fact that if you do what really matters, the catch is that not everyone comes back from what really matters... Now you really have to wonder why only cigarette packs have to carry a risk warning.
The idea of lottery-based military service is now making satirists redundant. It's not a new idea, but good lines never age. How does it feel to go for an early morning run knowing you're only doing it because of bad luck? That's why the winner of the EUR100 million Eurojackpot in Berlin was so slow to get in touch last week: he was afraid he'd be drafted. Many military terms suddenly make sense: "Go, go, you losers. March on! Let's go!"
At least the new military jackpot has prompted some reflection from the public. Of course, not from those who aren't going to be drafted anyway. Ideas that don't affect you are naturally considered brilliant. It would be different if only 1% of all citizens over 45 were included in the lottery... that would truly demonstrate the federal government's sense of humor and inject some much-needed energy into the discussion. 45? Yes, because conscription only ends at that age, did you know? But the citizens, whom we already find numbered and gathered in a place labeled "School," are already showing a healthy level of interest in having exactly what the politicians intend to do with them explained to them. Because they've grasped one thing:
Ultimately, the deployment of soldiers is a political decision and only in the rarest of cases a necessary reaction to external circumstances. And the developments of recent years have shown that the military reacts far more prudently than politicians. Because they know what war and responsibility for the lives of young people truly mean.
Thus, all that remains is to dedicate this commentary to the soldiers of the German Armed Forces. They have relinquished a large part of their own freedom for our freedom. They have agreed to be woken up in the middle of the night and thrown from airplanes. To be herded through muddy pits and over obstacles in the rain, wearing gas masks to make it more fun. And this decision--like their sense of duty--was not something they won by lottery. Won.
October 16, 2025
Alexander Kira has written a dissertation on international human rights protection and is a lawyer, presenter, and cabaret artist. He lives and writes in the heart of Berlin.
CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW BOOK
But the price is high, very high. Because military preparedness doesn't just cost money. It can also cost German citizens their lives. Quentin Gärtner, the Secretary General of the student union, already grasped this a month ago. Apart from him, however, there was no one else around; there was just too much going on in the world (the "Los" lines come later). No media discussion, no student protests, and no clinging to anything. Apparently, the armored steel door of the district conscription office has to close behind the first year group. Then, with the sonorous hum of the electronic locking system, it becomes clear: military service isn't a sports club where I can leave whenever the hairdryer in the locker room breaks down. Well, if only I'd saved some superglue.
I also can't call my parents during field exercises to have them pick me up. "Just ask at the gate, they'll show you the way." Even though many parents are already driving SUVs as a precaution. Complaining about teachers, a matter of course at school, isn't yet routine for military superiors. Write an email to the superior officer stating that your son wasn't adequately prepared for the night march, expect a reply within 24 hours?! Otherwise, you risk a complaint to the barracks commander! Woke up too late, had to run for roll call? An immediate email to the Ministry of Defense and a letter from the family lawyer.
You can't even watch or film funny TikTok stories. From a consumer perspective, the German Armed Forces' "military training" is grossly misleading and therefore clearly anti-competitive under Section 5 Paragraph 1 of the German Act Against Unfair Competition (UWG). Because, contrary to what the advertising so vividly portrays, there's little time for social media on a night march. Too little light, too. And you might even have to help haul a log in full marching gear, which further limits your free hands. Instead, it's one jungle challenge after another and communal accommodations like on Celebrity Big Brother. But no one's voting you out.
The advertising also conveniently omits the fact that if you do what really matters, the catch is that not everyone comes back from what really matters... Now you really have to wonder why only cigarette packs have to carry a risk warning.
The idea of lottery-based military service is now making satirists redundant. It's not a new idea, but good lines never age. How does it feel to go for an early morning run knowing you're only doing it because of bad luck? That's why the winner of the EUR100 million Eurojackpot in Berlin was so slow to get in touch last week: he was afraid he'd be drafted. Many military terms suddenly make sense: "Go, go, you losers. March on! Let's go!"
At least the new military jackpot has prompted some reflection from the public. Of course, not from those who aren't going to be drafted anyway. Ideas that don't affect you are naturally considered brilliant. It would be different if only 1% of all citizens over 45 were included in the lottery... that would truly demonstrate the federal government's sense of humor and inject some much-needed energy into the discussion. 45? Yes, because conscription only ends at that age, did you know? But the citizens, whom we already find numbered and gathered in a place labeled "School," are already showing a healthy level of interest in having exactly what the politicians intend to do with them explained to them. Because they've grasped one thing:
Ultimately, the deployment of soldiers is a political decision and only in the rarest of cases a necessary reaction to external circumstances. And the developments of recent years have shown that the military reacts far more prudently than politicians. Because they know what war and responsibility for the lives of young people truly mean.
Thus, all that remains is to dedicate this commentary to the soldiers of the German Armed Forces. They have relinquished a large part of their own freedom for our freedom. They have agreed to be woken up in the middle of the night and thrown from airplanes. To be herded through muddy pits and over obstacles in the rain, wearing gas masks to make it more fun. And this decision--like their sense of duty--was not something they won by lottery. Won.
October 16, 2025
Alexander Kira has written a dissertation on international human rights protection and is a lawyer, presenter, and cabaret artist. He lives and writes in the heart of Berlin.
CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW BOOK
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